Brilliant essay, Chris. You named one of the most common and pernicious victim-blaming moves: posing a question that is actually an accusation of responsibility: But then this person asked how I could live with the shame of what happened. Not gonna lie, it kinda pissed me off. The question, while perhaps not intentionally, positioned that I had some responsibility in what happened to my daughter. Maybe not as directly as asking a survivor what they were wearing or how much they had to drink, but it had a very similar stink.
Oh wow. That comment would've enraged me too. It's in the spirit of one comment I heard recently in response to hearing about my story—that it was a "good cautionary tale." I was beside myself with anger because the comment implied I'd done something wrong. No. Survivors and their loved ones are never to blame and we do not deserve any shame. Only the perpetrators and the people who enable them do. Full stop.
Brilliant essay, Chris. You named one of the most common and pernicious victim-blaming moves: posing a question that is actually an accusation of responsibility: But then this person asked how I could live with the shame of what happened. Not gonna lie, it kinda pissed me off. The question, while perhaps not intentionally, positioned that I had some responsibility in what happened to my daughter. Maybe not as directly as asking a survivor what they were wearing or how much they had to drink, but it had a very similar stink.
Oh wow. That comment would've enraged me too. It's in the spirit of one comment I heard recently in response to hearing about my story—that it was a "good cautionary tale." I was beside myself with anger because the comment implied I'd done something wrong. No. Survivors and their loved ones are never to blame and we do not deserve any shame. Only the perpetrators and the people who enable them do. Full stop.