Resolution to be a better Dad

Well, to be a better person

I hate New Year's resolutions. Nothing like a self-inflicted failure to start the year off right. What’s that you say? Is my negativity a downer on your quest to lose weight, spend more time in the gym, or spend less time on your phone?

Well, the data tells us that 9% of you will keep your resolutions throughout the year. So feel free to finish off that Ben & Jerry’s in one sitting because you are not alone. And there is comfort in numbers, amiright?

Don’t get me wrong, I am all for self-improvement. But I have to be realistic and not set myself up for disappointment. While I would like to lose 20lbs, I think a better approach is to begin working on my mindset to take better care of myself.

Losing weight, for example, is a collection of behaviors. So, let’s bring this matter to The Club. For most of us with full membership, self-loathing is part of the dues we pay. Focusing on what we did, or didn’t do, to protect our child. We find plenty of ways to remind ourselves of our failures. So, tossing in a New Year’s resolution that will likely fail is just not helpful for one’s mental health.

If you ask a group of men if they are good men, you will see plenty of hands go up. But if you then ask what they are actually doing to demonstrate that they are good men, the hands will often slowly lower. That isn’t to say they aren’t good men, but they haven’t really considered what being a good man means.

Being a good man, husband, father, or person is not the product of a single one-time behavior, but a collection of small ones. It’s about consistency. It’s about showing up and following through.

I have dropped the ball plenty of times. But I can’t focus on those failures. I have to acknowledge them, learn from them, and commit to doing better. That’s all I can do; nothing more and nothing less.

But a new year also represents a new start, so I won’t dump on the desire to commit to doing something to better oneself. I will, however, suggest a different approach to those resolutions.

There were a few reading staples in my house when my girls were growing up. Skippyjon Jones was top of the list, but only if I did the voices. A close second was anything by Richard Scarry. Wormie was my favorite character, his ability to drive with no arms was impressive.

Anyway, I came across the graphic below with New Year’s Resolutions suggestions and aside from the fact that it features the Pig Family by Richard Scarry, they are pretty good. Ok, actually, Pig Family makes them even better. But that’s just me.

Notice that Pig Family isn’t focused on goals that are measurable. They are focused on progress. They are focused on big picture stuff. They are all behaviors that support a better quality of life. Perhaps the resolution is to increase happiness or find more joy in life. Taking more naps or movin’ more are behaviors that will help achieve that goal of a better quality of life. Even pickles will contribute to a better quality of life.

Seriously? Why the hell are we talking about pigs and pickles? What does this have to do with parenting?

If I want to be a better man, then I need to think of what that actually means. I see it as being more present for my family. Speaking out on issues that are important to me. Showing empathy to others who are hurting. Giving forgiveness to others who may not even be asking for it. Your list may look different and that’s ok. It’s all about our own interpretation of being a better man.

So how will I get there? Let’s look at being present. Maybe I will leave my phone on my desk in my office when I get home in the evenings. Or I might ask my girls about things happening in their lives. I have to consider the behaviors to achieve those things. I might even ask my girls and my wife how I can be more present for them.

And if I happen to spend an evening in front of the TV on my phone, scrolling and watching videos of ways to modify motorcycles, I note that and I commit to not do that tomorrow. And then I try again. I don’t shame myself or beat myself up, I just acknowledge it and try again.

Honestly, you will screw up. But that doesn’t define you as a failure. It just makes you human. I can’t live my life and move forward if I continue to focus on what I did wrong or what I failed to do. I just have to look ahead and commit to trying to do better.

Membership in The Club is permanent, it never goes away. But it doesn’t define us. How I got into The Club wasn’t my fault. That is the sole responsibility of the dirtbag that hurt my daughter. But if I ever want to stop revisiting my membership, I need to shift my focus away from what I did or didn’t do and towards how I can be a better Dad. And I need to identify what that means to be a better Dad. I have to take action and commit to the behaviors of a good man. That’s what my daughters need. Ultimately, it’s what I need.

And maybe more pickles.